I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
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