Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Randomize
