how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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