her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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