Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Randomize
