believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Randomize
