Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
