is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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