Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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