Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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