dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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