I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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