if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Randomize
