margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Randomize
