I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
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