I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
you didnt know i had herpes?
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
