Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
whose parrot is this?
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
