"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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