I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
