I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
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