It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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