Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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