she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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