Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Randomize
