how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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