one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize
