I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize
