first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
