This dress was meant to end up on your floor
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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