How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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