The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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