It was still light ouot when we were walking up Pier Ave and she kept asking if she could suck my nipples.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Dude ur right that IS what a vagina looks like!
Do everybody a favor and GET LAID MORE.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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