why im i the only drunk person in the library?
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
