Who did Billy Mays play for?
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
