you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
