I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
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