You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
