I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
