I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
After last night, I could never be a politician.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
Randomize
