I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
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