My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Randomize
