i already hear my dad disowning me
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I'm like, not good at living.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
