the condom got lost in my hair
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
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