i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Randomize
