I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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