You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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