you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
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I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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