At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
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