It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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