I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Randomize
