This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
just threw up in the bus full of other international students just outside of boulder, just keeping the aussie reputation alive
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
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