LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I fill condoms, not promises.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Randomize
