Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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