I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Randomize
