I threw up into my coffee this morning.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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