Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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