i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
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