yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
