My sheets look like a crime scene.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
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the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
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I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
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